He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
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