I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Found your dick twin last night
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
