I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
