it wasn't lemon gatorade
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
