I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
