If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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