I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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