marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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