He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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