What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
