i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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