There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize