In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize