this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
