bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
