The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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