the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
