I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
