It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
