im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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