Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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