I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
