bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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