so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
