The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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