Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
