I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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