so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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