I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Boobs are out for the taking
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize