A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
