I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
