nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
