don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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