I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
