i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
