I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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