im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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