It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
