I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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