I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
