tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
