In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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