I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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