i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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