I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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