I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
