I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
