so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we're making bets on your personal life
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
