I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
3pm strippers are depressing
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
