you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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