i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize