She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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