I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
