we have officially lost it.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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