My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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