Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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