i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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