i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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