I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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