I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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