Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
