i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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