I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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