On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
