btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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