LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
