I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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