I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
