I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
